Reading The M's Since Easter

Timothy, I found this stuck in the middle of your dictionary. Page four-forty. Right in the M's.

Reading the M's — Timothy, you've been "reading the M's" since Easter. That's not a dictionary, that's a hostage situation. And what's so important tonight it beats the movie and the letter M?

You're staying home. On a Friday. To finish a letter of the alphabet. Timothy, I have known you eleven years and I have never once seen you finish anything that didn't come with a receipt and a returns policy.

The spelling bee. Timothy, that's for children. You are thirty-four years old and you own a car with a car payment.

Get out of your — Timothy, I pay half the rent in this bedroom! And I will not put this bookmark back, because look at it — it's a photo of your mother. You've been holding your place in the dictionary with a photo of your mother.

A bookmark, sure — but Timothy, this is the same photo you cried about at Denny's on your birthday. You said and I quote, "I can't look at it, put it away." And now it's living between "melancholy" and "memorize." That feels like a cry for help, not a filing system.

Okay. Okay, that — that actually explains a lot, Timothy, but your mom doesn't even know you're doing this, does she? You could just call her. That's cheaper than a dictionary and it doesn't take until October.

Harvard Law School. Timothy. You told your own mother you're in Harvard Law School, and your actual plan to make her proud is winning a children's spelling bee out of a two-bedroom above Lucky Strike Lanes. I've been telling people at my study group my roommate's "pre-law." I'm implicated in this lie and I didn't even know it existed until nine seconds ago.

Oh, I never believed it, Timothy, I just liked saying "pre-law" instead of "the guy who alphabetizes his feelings and bounces checks." But now I gotta know — when she calls, who picks up? Do you do a voice? Do you have a Harvard voice?

Benedict Cumberbatch. Your Harvard Law voice is a British detective who's never once been to law school. Timothy, do it right now. Do the voice. I want to hear you tell your mother about torts in a Sherlock accent.